Fake Job Searchs and the Pre-Mentrual Man

Wednesday, 1:47a

Dear Diary Blog

Ive come to the conclusion that writing a resume is an inspiring task. Perhaps making one up is the way to go. I write good. I know stuff. I know how to cut and paste.

The art of resume writing website. Now thats a great URL. Resume writing by numbers, if you can count.

Here are my tips on how to write a resume at 1am:

1. Have a job – (Fucker)

2. Know proper English (Ass)

3. Know the purpose of your resume – (To con the next company into hiring you for 9 months before they fire, I mean reduce staff)

4. State your qualities and strengths. If I had qualities or strengths, why am I sitting at home enjoying 3 year old twinkies for breakfast? They are damn good though. Try one, deep fried

5. Make sure you use the right words when writing a resume. Stating that your last job sucked, and that it was running by group of sluts and whores, might not get you the job………but it might get you and interview.

6. When writing your resume, make sure that you use effective titles. Example, the use of the title Business Development Manager is a great way to cover up the fact that you were a lowly sales person that walked the streets like a loose hooker. Begging from door to door hoping that someone would buy a Triple Play from you.

7. The use of bullet points is MANdatory. Nothing says success like a long list of made up bullet points. Its important to use made up fact, figures and percentages. HR people need more math in their day. Its part of the daily intake and helps them keep a slim waist line, cause lord knows they dont know how to interview someone.

8. Dont forget to add what I term as “No Shit” information. Its important to fill your resume with as many words as possible. NO WHITE areas!! If you need to take up space, add the phrases; Available for Interview, References Available Upon Special Request, and my favorite add in your personal attributes, likes, dislikes and hell add a picture that your Mom took. Nice bangs…bitch. No I meant his bangs

9. List Every job youv’e had since high school. Nothing says success like 27 jobs. Each six to nine weeks  long. Remember, your experience is important to each and every employer. Plus bold print shows how important your resume is…and it takes up more space.

10. The most information must be at the top. Your objective. Be creative. No one actually reads it. My lastest is to find a well established company with ties to catered lunches, long breaks and offers me an opportunity of growth and personal time napping. By all means, cut and paste that crap.

If you follow these easy tips, you too will have a full resume. More tips to follow.

Its late. I’m hungry and its time for my pre-ejaculation doss of Ellen. I admit it. I watch Ellen, and eat popcorn. Nothing says I’m on my way then watching Ellen or even better, Rosie reruns at 2am.