FML Returns. Trust me, I have no life in 2013

Me: If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but naw, forget it, yo homes to Bel Air  Chicago Officer: Be quiet back there

 

Look being homeless is a busy life…so FML

Stevism: The difference between knowing Steve’s da shit and knowing Steve’s just shit.

 

And people wonder why I hate interns:

This morning, and I didnt have my fill of 3 gallons of coffee yet…

Tech Support on phone: Right click on that file

Intern: Is that your right or mine?

ARE YOU F’ING KIDDING ME?!!  

 

Say what grasshopper?

i speak the truth, and if i dont know it, i make it up

 

I feel the need to annoy people today. How immature can I be today?

What shall a person, as annoying as I am….do to annoy people.  Or better yet, how immature am I?

My top 3 ideas for today.  If youre reading this, please post how you would like to annoy someone today.

1. Reply to everything someone says in this afternoons staff meeting with: that’s what you think.
2. Staple papers in the middle of the page.  Accounting hates that
3. As much as possible, skip rather than walk around the office

I have so many on my list.  I must continue later…

 

Mondays are my Sundays, which could be Tuesdays no wait Wednesdays?

My boss and co-worker just ticked me off again. How sad is it that my immediate thought was: Oh yeah, I’ll just waste more company time and post it on my blog!

300 Million views, so one more wont hurt.  WTF were we thinking….she’s hawt, yeeha!!

 

Fake Job Searchs and the Pre-Mentrual Man

Wednesday, 1:47a

Dear Diary Blog

Ive come to the conclusion that writing a resume is an inspiring task. Perhaps making one up is the way to go. I write good. I know stuff. I know how to cut and paste.

The art of resume writing website. Now thats a great URL. Resume writing by numbers, if you can count.

Here are my tips on how to write a resume at 1am:

1. Have a job – (Fucker)

2. Know proper English (Ass)

3. Know the purpose of your resume – (To con the next company into hiring you for 9 months before they fire, I mean reduce staff)

4. State your qualities and strengths. If I had qualities or strengths, why am I sitting at home enjoying 3 year old twinkies for breakfast? They are damn good though. Try one, deep fried

5. Make sure you use the right words when writing a resume. Stating that your last job sucked, and that it was running by group of sluts and whores, might not get you the job………but it might get you and interview.

6. When writing your resume, make sure that you use effective titles. Example, the use of the title Business Development Manager is a great way to cover up the fact that you were a lowly sales person that walked the streets like a loose hooker. Begging from door to door hoping that someone would buy a Triple Play from you.

7. The use of bullet points is MANdatory. Nothing says success like a long list of made up bullet points. Its important to use made up fact, figures and percentages. HR people need more math in their day. Its part of the daily intake and helps them keep a slim waist line, cause lord knows they dont know how to interview someone.

8. Dont forget to add what I term as “No Shit” information. Its important to fill your resume with as many words as possible. NO WHITE areas!! If you need to take up space, add the phrases; Available for Interview, References Available Upon Special Request, and my favorite add in your personal attributes, likes, dislikes and hell add a picture that your Mom took. Nice bangs…bitch. No I meant his bangs

9. List Every job youv’e had since high school. Nothing says success like 27 jobs. Each six to nine weeks  long. Remember, your experience is important to each and every employer. Plus bold print shows how important your resume is…and it takes up more space.

10. The most information must be at the top. Your objective. Be creative. No one actually reads it. My lastest is to find a well established company with ties to catered lunches, long breaks and offers me an opportunity of growth and personal time napping. By all means, cut and paste that crap.

If you follow these easy tips, you too will have a full resume. More tips to follow.

Its late. I’m hungry and its time for my pre-ejaculation doss of Ellen. I admit it. I watch Ellen, and eat popcorn. Nothing says I’m on my way then watching Ellen or even better, Rosie reruns at 2am.

 

Monday is my slut and I’m its hoe

I dont hate Monday Mornings. I take at least 1000 milligrams of Ginkgo every Monday morning just to help me write my “Things I Didnt Do Last Week” list.

My list is up to 47!!

 

Dear Diary, I soooo want to interview with him

As you might have figured out…I’m a total deadbeat.  I’m lazy.  All I do is buy one cup of coffee and refill it all day long.  I’m unreliable.  I’m unresponsive when provoked.  I like to take naps during meetings.  For lunch, I raid the company frig.  If I dont see a name, Ill eat it.

Recently, I made the mistake of adding my resume to Monster.  Id like to make a point here.  My resume is filled with jobs that I’d like to have.  Not jobs Ive actually had.  Within a week, I have received over 137 emails regarding interviews, and over 35 phone calls.

Here is an email exchange with a highly no-decorated CEO, that is running a company part time while he has a full time job….Shame, Shame on him.

Hi Hiring Manager (Which I am blocking)

“Thank you for reaching out to me.  I like your product offering and I do have many contacts in the #### industry.  Unfortunately, an all commission opportunity is too one sided during this economic down turn.  Should your compensation package change, Id be happy to receive your phone call.  Good luck.”

I almost sound professional.  The hiring manager forwarded my reply to her fake company CEO.  He is so busy that he decided to reply.

(Insert Name Here),

“How is all commission viewed as one sided? Sales equal profits. No sales equal no money to be GIVEN away! You don’t even know how the loaded “one sided” plan is going to make a half dozen people very wealthy! Close minded and a lack of confidence maybe? I am amazed at your response! Its as if you want to be paid in a bad economy regardless of if you can obtain results. Sounds more like a request for a handout then someone with a hunter sales mentality. The one sided relationship is no doubt when a sales person is given a base that can and usually is abused. When the abuse gets old the salaried employee gets dismissed and collects unemployment benefits that I pay into. That’s the lopsided truth!  Please feel free to explain how you simply getting paid to deliver sales as a sales person is lopsided?

Good luck to you,”

I’m thirsty.  I think they just brewed a few pot of coffee, just for me.

 

2013 New Years Resolution Diary Entry

Dear Diary,

To avoid criticism and the possibility of people talking to me: I will do nothing, I will say nothing, I am nothing.